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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074954">for you I would ruin myself a million little times</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thotsandfeelings/pseuds/thotsandfeelings'>thotsandfeelings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The West Wing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Secret Relationship, Some Fluff, Some angst, no smut in second chapter (sorry)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:13:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,057</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074954</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thotsandfeelings/pseuds/thotsandfeelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A post-ep for 3x06 War Crimes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Josh Lyman/Donna Moss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Did you call him baby?” Josh pants, pounding into her.</p>
<p>Donna whimpers as she throws her head back in ecstasy, crying out when Josh hits that spot deep inside her. "<em>Right there</em>."</p>
<p>“Tell me, Donna,” he growls and his hands grip her hips so tightly she knows she’ll have Josh-shaped bruises tomorrow. “Did you call him baby while he fucked you?”</p>
<p>“Josh,” she moans, hitching her legs higher around his torso. The angle changes slightly and her mouth falls open in a silent scream. “Josh, <em>fuck,</em> baby, don’t stop.”</p>
<p>Josh leans back and grabs one of her ankles, bringing it to rest in front of him on his shoulder. Donna sobs loudly at the feeling of him hot and thick inside her, and she brings her hands up to cup her breasts, pinching her nipples and he re-doubles his efforts.</p>
<p>“Tell me you didn’t call him that.”</p>
<p>“Josh, please, <em>God-</em>”</p>
<p>“Donnatella, answer me.”</p>
<p>At her full name Donna re-opens her eyes and meets his blazing gaze at last. His eyes are wilder then she’s ever seen them before and he’s plowing into her like a man possessed, so she reaches up to cup his face, pulling him forward so she can kiss him.</p>
<p>“It’s only for you,” she whispers into his mouth. “Just you.”</p>
<p>“You’re mine, do you hear me?” Josh grunts and he leans back from her lips again so he can slide a hand down her body and rub on her clit. Donna mewls at the contact, her back arching as best as it can with her leg still propped up on his shoulder. “I don’t give a <em>fuck </em>about Harvard Law Republicans or insurance lobbyists or anyone else. You are <em>mine</em>.” </p>
<p>He presses his thumb against her swollen nub roughly and he leans down to suck on one of her breasts, biting down the same time as he flicks his thumb and Donna whines his name loudly.</p>
<p>“Say it, Donna,” he demands against her chest. “I need to hear you say it.”</p>
<p>“Yours," she breathes, willing to give him anything and everything he wants as long as he keeps his hands on her. She thrusts her hips up to meet his and his breath hitches a little. “I’m yours, I swear to- <em>fuck</em>! Josh! <em>Shiiiiiiit</em>,” she hisses when he rolls her clit between his thumb and forefinger. She tugs hard on Josh’s hair to haul him up to eye level and she kisses him fiercely. “You feel so good.”</p>
<p>Josh blazes a line of heat down the column of her throat with his tongue and lips, sucking hard on the sensitive skin behind her ear. He laves his tongue over the newly reddened mark on her skin as he pinches her clit again and she cries out.</p>
<p>“He didn’t make you feel like this, did he?” He accentuates his words with another pinch and a roll of his hips, Donna positively writhing underneath him. “No one makes you moan like I do. I make you lose your fucking mind, Donna, no one could ever make you come as hard as I do. No one makes you <em>soaking</em> wet like me.”</p>
<p>“Josh,” Donna begs, meeting him thrust for thrust and grasping blindly at anything she can hold onto. “Please.”</p>
<p>“You keep bending the rules,” he murmurs, tugging lightly on her earlobe. “It’s not fair.”</p>
<p>Donna’s back arches again, her head lolling halfway off of the bed and she reaches up to pull on his hair sharply, making him hiss, and her toes start to curl against his calf. “<em>Ohhh </em>my G- Joshua, I’m gonna-” and she breaks off with a deep moan as Josh licks his way up her neck, tweaking her clit once more, and she explodes.</p>
<p>“Yes, yes, yes, baby, <em>right there</em>,” she hisses, her walls clamping hard around his dick as she comes. Josh watches her, still thrusting and working the heel of his hand against her bundle of nerves, and she swirls her hips below him, chasing her high and it makes Josh's vision grow spotty. He tumbles after her with a low grown, his hips moving erratically as he spills inside of her and he mutters her name over and over as her walls continue to contract around him. His arms give out from the exertion and she wraps her arms and legs tight around him to keep him close, to keep him inside her for as long as she can. His pelvis twitches and rubs her where she’s most sensitive and she lets out another soft whine, a spark of residual sensation flying up her spine as her orgasm finishes pulsing through her.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she whispers, tears slowly starting to fall down her cheeks as she tries to catch her breath. “I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>Josh rolls them over, still connected, until Donna is fully on top of him and he runs a hand over her head, letting his fingers glide through her silky hair. They lay there for a long time, Donna crying quietly into Josh’s shoulder as he murmurs comforting words into her ear, both of them still a little breathless. He slips out of her as gently as he can once he’s gone completely soft and he rubs his hands in deep, calming circles around her back as she sniffs into his neck. </p>
<p>“I would ruin my life for you,” he says softly. “Do you know that? I would sell my soul, I’d make a deal with twenty more devils…” he trails off and she hiccups a little, tightening her grip around him. “You have me, Donna. I am completely at your mercy.”</p>
<p>“Josh,” she whimpers and she moves to kiss him, but he pulls back out of her reach.</p>
<p>“I can’t do this anymore,” he whispers.</p>
<p>Donna stops breathing. “What?”</p>
<p>“You didn't even tell me about the date until the damage was already done, Donna. We were supposed to be honest with each other. That has been rule number one since the beginning."</p>
<p>Donna sits up fully when Josh nudges her off of him and she wraps the sheet around her chest, feeling too vulnerable around him right now.</p>
<p>“You can't put this all on me, Josh. What about Joey or <em>Mandy</em>-"</p>
<p>"I didn't sleep with either of them. You are the only woman I've been with since we started this thing."</p>
<p>"The intent with Joey was there. You went to her room."</p>
<p>"Because you told me to!"</p>
<p>He slides his legs out of her bed, reaching down to pull on his boxers and jeans from earlier. "Where are you going?" Donna asks, reaching out to grab his bicep, but he flinches out of her hold.</p>
<p>"I'm going home, Donna. Committing perjury is exhausting."</p>
<p>Donna's heart starts to pound in her ribcage and a dull ringing floods her ears. "Please, don't do this, Josh. He was nothing. He meant <em>nothing</em>."</p>
<p>"You're not the kind of girl to sleep with a guy who means nothing to you. And clearly, the feeling was mutual since we're not both in jail right now."</p>
<p>"You haven't touched me in <em>weeks," </em>she implores, begging him to see her side. "You were staying at the office all night, Josh, and when you didn't come to my room in Manchester, I thought-"</p>
<p>"I couldn't exactly predict my president would lie about having a life-threatening disease! I couldn't tell you. I was <em>ordered</em> not to tell you-"</p>
<p>"Right. You didn't tell me. Toby did." </p>
<p>Josh stops and he stares at her for a moment, wondering how he let them get so messed up. He looks into her watery blue eyes and his heart breaks a little more in his chest seeing the broken and lonely look on her face. </p>
<p>“What does this mean?” Donna asks softly, wrapping the sheet more tightly around her as Josh finds his sweater and throws it on, too. “Are you breaking up with me?”</p>
<p>Josh huffs out a humorless laugh. “We’re not together, Donna. You’ve made that crystal clear.”</p>
<p>“We both agreed,” she says, growing angry again, her voice catching on the emotion stuck in her throat. “You said this was how it needed to be, that this was the only way.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t say to go fuck somebody else,” Josh spits, throwing his watch on haphazardly as he toes on his shoes.</p>
<p>“What was the point of your little performance earlier, then? Huh? Making me beg you and say I’m yours only for you to change your mind a minute later?”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t be the only one.”</p>
<p>Donna’s eyes narrow into slits and her voice is calm, but deadly. “What do you want from me.”</p>
<p>Josh stops tying his shoes from his perch on the side of her bed and he lets out a loud exhale, keeping his back to her as he runs his hands through his hair again. </p>
<p>“I want everything from you,” he says softly, finally turning to face her again as the fight leaves his body. “I want to be the one you get dressed up for and the one who accidentally finds a maybe-incriminating diary in your bedroom while we fool around.”</p>
<p>Her breath hitches and her eyes grow glassy again. “Josh, we can <em>be</em> that-”</p>
<p>“I wanted you to wait for me,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper as he looks deep into her eyes for a long moment. "And I know that's shitty of me to say. I know we both agreed that we had to do this in the shadows and that you’d go out with idiots to keep up the charade, but I- <em>dammit</em>, Donna!” </p>
<p>The tension rises through him again and he turns away from her again, running his hands roughly over his face. He breathes deep and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes until he sees stars, trying to calm down.</p>
<p>He sniffs and sighs heavily. “I wanted you to wait for me,” he says, soft again and she can hear the emotion he’s trying to hide from her. </p>
<p>Donna heaves oxygen into her lungs, her heart starting to rip apart at the seams, and she reaches out to touch him again, but stops and picks at a hole in her pillowcase instead, too scared of more rejection. Tears make a silent trek down her cheeks and Josh surprises her a little by turning back to face her and reaching up gently to brush them away. Donna closes her eyes and brings her hand up to keep his palm against her skin and her face falls when Josh presses the most tender of kisses to her temple.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she says again, leaning her forehead against his lips and breathing him in deep, willing him to forgive her. "Please don't do this."</p>
<p>“I'm sorry, too.”</p>
<p>Josh pulls himself out of her embrace without another word and her hand falls to the mattress with a pathetic thud. He gets up and off her bed, leaving Donna cold and alone as he walks out of her bedroom without a second glance, slamming the door shut behind him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I don’t want to work for you anymore, so I quit.”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She takes the job from Casey. After the mess with Cliff and having to see Josh with someone else, she can’t take it anymore, so she takes the out. She emails Josh her resignation, effective immediately, too cowardly to actually face him after everything that’s happened. </p><p>That night still sits heavy in her mind, the way his eyes wouldn’t look at her, the way he claimed complete control over her body only to crush her heart a minute later. She had been plucking up the courage to talk to him, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t face him after hurting him so badly and once he started strutting around and drooling after another woman, it was the straw that broke the camel's back</p><p>She doesn’t even go back to the office like she said she would, just goes straight home without knowing if he even knows she’s quit yet. She doesn’t care. She already feels a little lighter, like she can at least <em> breathe </em> without the crushing weight on her chest. She misses him like crazy and she would give anything to take that night back, but she can’t, and she definitely can’t watch him move on when she’s still completely in love with him. </p><p>She drops her stuff by the door, too tired to put it away or do anything else but change into her pajamas and fall onto the couch. Some cooking show plays on the television, but her mind wanders. She told Casey she could start on Monday, but now she wonders if she should push it back a couple weeks. She could go to Madison and see her family for a while, get out of DC, and put some physical distance between her and Josh. A detox of sorts. </p><p>Her stomach grumbles, so she snags the phone and orders a pizza from the 24 hour place around the corner. She goes to her fridge, making the executive decision that a night like this calls for more wine, so she opens a bottle that CJ got her for her birthday, and pours a hefty glass. She lets the alcohol burn down her throat and coat her stomach, a sense of warmth rushing over her as she sits back down. </p><p>The phone rings beside her, but she doesn’t feel like talking to anyone, so she sends it to voicemail before turning it off completely. The cooking show finally grabs her attention and she finishes off one glass of wine, and as she’s pouring another, there’s a knock at the front door. </p><p>“Coming!” she calls, snagging her wallet and tripping over a stray shoe as she grabs a $20 and opens the door. “How much do I—“ she’s cut off when she sees Josh standing there in the hallway, fire blazing in his eyes. </p><p>“What the hell are you doing?” he asks, barging in without preamble. </p><p>“I could ask you the same thing,” she replies, setting her jaw and squaring up for a fight. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“You <em> quit</em>?” His eyebrows perk up incredulously. “In an <em> email?</em>” </p><p>“Josh,” she sighs, utterly exhausted, and she sits back down on the couch to top off her wine glass. “Go home.”</p><p>“Donna, you can’t just resign. You can’t leave in the middle of re-election. What the hell are you thinking?”</p><p>Anger sparks behind her eyes. “I can do whatever the hell I want. I don’t want to work for you anymore, so I quit.”</p><p>“Just like that.”</p><p>She shrugs and takes a long drink. “A job opportunity presented itself, so I took it.”</p><p>“What job?”</p><p>“It’s none of your business. You’re not my boss anymore, you’re not my boyfriend anymore, you’re not even really my friend anymore. I don’t have to tell you anything.”</p><p>“I’m gonna find out eventually.”</p><p>“Well, then you’ll find out eventually.”</p><p>Josh stares down at her, but she’s the picture of nonchalance as she sips on her wine. “Why are you doing this?”</p><p>She lies back on the arm of the couch. “Why do you care?” she fires back, refusing to answer any of his questions. </p><p>“You don’t get to leave. I don’t accept.”</p><p>“Yes, you do accept, Josh. You don’t have a choice.”</p><p>“You’re not leaving!”</p><p>She squares her shoulders. “How’s Amy? Does she know you’re here?” She takes another drink. “Or am I just a pit stop?”</p><p>“What does she have to do with anything?”</p><p>“You know damn well that she has everything to do with this. You think it’s fun for me to answer your phones for <em> her</em><em>?</em> To schedule dates with another woman? You’re punishing me, Josh, and I’m over it. I’m done. Do whatever you want, but leave me out of it.”</p><p>“Donna—"</p><p>“There’s nothing more to say.” She looks up at him pleadingly. “Please, I’m asking you, if you ever held any affection or respect for me, you’ll just go.” The tears are a moment away from leaking out of her eyes as she stares at him, but she’s resolute. </p><p>“I’m not leaving.”</p><p>Donna heaves out a resigned sigh before standing and grabbing the wine bottle. “Then I am,” she says and makes her way to her bedroom. “Goodbye, Josh.”</p><p>“Donna,” he says and grabs her arm to spin her around. She can see how wild his eyes are now that he’s so close and it makes her breath hitch. “I’m not leaving,” he says again and his grip grows tighter. </p><p>“What do you want from me?” she murmurs, reminiscent of that night months ago. “You have someone else, remember? I’m trying to let you go. Why won’t you let me?”</p><p>“I <em> can’t,</em>” he whispers, his tone tipping toward desperation. “Donna, I—" he finally lets go of her arm so he can run his hand over his face. “I don’t want you to let me go.”</p><p>Hurt crosses her face. “That’s not fair.”</p><p>“I know it’s not fair!” he shouts. “None of this is fair! You slept with someone else!”</p><p>“And now so have you, so I think we’re pretty even, Josh.”</p><p>“Donna, don’t you get it? You think I wanna move on? You think I really want to be with anyone else? I don’t, but I still can’t stop picturing you and him in <em> that room </em> right down the hall without wanting to blow my goddamn brains out!” </p><p>“You hadn’t looked my way in months! It had been <em>months</em>, Josh, so I let Ainsley set me up and he was nice and he was actively interested in what I had to say and I was lonely. You were nowhere and I don’t give a damn about MS,” she says, cutting him off before he can interrupt her. “All you had to say was ‘Donna, I have something I need to work on, can you wait for me’ and that would’ve been it. I would’ve happily waited if you had asked, but you didn’t. You got distant and twitchy even <em> after </em> I found out. I was in on the secret and you still would not talk to me.” She sends him a pleading look. “You weren’t there. He was.”</p><p>She knows she’s struck a nerve when he collapses on her couch. She has to fight the instinct to take care of him and ask if he needs anything, and she’s literally saved by the bell when there’s a knock at her door. She answers it and gives the delivery boy the $20, telling him to keep the change before taking the pizza over to her 2 person table. She plops down in one of the chairs and grabs a slice, taking a bite and looking over to find Josh staring at her. </p><p>“What?” she asks, her mouth full. He doesn’t say anything, just stands and grabs her wine glass, bringing it over to her and sitting in the opposite chair. She turns the pizza box toward him, silently offering some if he wants, but he shakes his head as he rests his chin in his palm. </p><p>“Did you love me?” he murmurs, staring intently at her and her blood boils when she looks over at him. </p><p>“Get out,” she says, scoffing at him and reaching for the pizza box to take back to her room. “Honestly, I don’t know who the hell you think you—"</p><p>He grabs her arm so she can’t get away. “Just answer the question.”</p><p>“Josh—"</p><p>“Donna.”</p><p>She stares down at him and his face is so open, so void of any malevolence or anger, and it makes her breath hitch. It’s how he used to look at her, back when they first started this thing and everything was new and exciting. She reaches her hand out tentatively and strokes his cheek, her heart stuttering when he leans into her palm. </p><p>“Of course I did,” she whispers and his hand comes up to hold hers against his face. “I still do. That’s why I have to go. It’s too hard.”</p><p>He closes his eyes at her admission, the grip on her wrist tightening slightly, and suddenly he’s surging up to her and grabbing her face with his hands and kissing her for all he’s worth. The pizza box clatters back onto the table as she wraps her arms around him, a whimper escaping her as he kisses her harder. She melts into him, but before she knows it, he’s backing out of her arms and heading towards the door. </p><p>“Where are you going?”</p><p>“Just... just stay here, alright? I’ll be right back.”</p><p>“Josh—" He gets to the door and turns around quickly like he’s forgotten something, but he hauls her to him again, kissing her softer this time. “Where are you going?” she whispers again when he pulls back. </p><p>“I have to take care of something.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I’m gonna go end things with—"</p><p>“Hold on,” she says, pulling him back when he tries to leave again. “What are you talking about?”</p><p>“Donna, I’m gonna need you to catch up,” he says, a teasing smile on his face. </p><p>“But," her brows crease together. “You were just yelling at me, and I quit my job like an <em> hour </em> ago and—"</p><p>“And you love me,” he interrupts. “I didn’t know that before.”</p><p>“Josh, that doesn’t just magically solve all our problems. I’m not taking back my resignation and you need to focus on the president.”</p><p>“Please, just let me go do this really quick and I will come right back. We can talk about everything.” He smiles at her and she lets herself start to feel hope. “Besides, you’re unemployed. You don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow.”</p><p>She rolls her eyes and is about to quip back, but the look on his face stops her. She never thought he would look at her like this again, like he maybe loves her, too. It scares the hell out of her. </p><p>“Josh…” </p><p>The smile doesn’t leave his face and he reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear. She holds his hand in place this time, leaning into him when his thumb brushes her cheek. </p><p>“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs and her eyes well up. She tries to stop the emotion swimming in her throat, but she can’t, and she breaks eye contact as the tears finally start to fall. Josh pulls her to him, tucking her face in his neck as he wraps his arm around her. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” she says, holding onto him as tight as she can. “Josh, you have to believe me, I didn’t mean to—"</p><p>“I know,” he murmurs. “It’s okay.” He kisses the side of her head and rocks her gently back and forth as she continues to cry against his shoulder. “I’m sorry, too. I wasn’t there and I should’ve been. You were right.”</p><p>Donna pulls back and sniffs, her fingers tangling with Josh’s as they both reach up to wipe her tears away, and she finally looks up at him. </p><p>“You’ll come back?”</p><p>He nods. “I promise.”</p><p>“We have a lot to talk about.”</p><p>“I know.” </p><p>“It’s not all gonna be fun.”</p><p>“I know that, too.”</p><p>She fiddles with a button on his shirt. “Some of it can be fun.”</p><p>“Give me an hour,” he says, holding onto her wrist so she can’t undo the button. “I wanna make up properly and I wanna say things to you and show you how badly I mean the thing I wanna say to you and I can’t do that until I end things with her.”</p><p>Donna nods and takes a step away from him to stop any temptation as he opens the door, a yawn wracking through her as she leans against the jamb. “Okay.”</p><p>“Go to bed,” he says, grinning at her sleepiness. “I’ll use my key.”</p><p>She shakes her head. “I’ll wait up for you.” He makes it halfway down the hall before turning back to her. She smiles at him and takes a deep breath as a wave of calmness washes over her. She has a second chance and she doesn’t plan on blowing it. “I’ll wait for you, Josh.”</p><p>He searches her gaze before nodding and turns around again to skip down the stairs. </p><p>“And save me some pizza!” he calls before she hears the main door slam shut. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Josh drags himself back up Donna’s stairs over an hour and a half later. Tired, but single once again. He quietly lets himself in her apartment with the key he never gave back, and he smiles when he sees her fast asleep on the couch. He locks the door and toes off his shoes before snagging a piece of pizza and putting the rest in the fridge along with the bottle of wine. </p><p>“Donna,” he whispers, walking over and crouching down. He runs his hand over her hair. “Let’s go to bed.”</p><p>“Josh?” she mumbles and her hand reaches out for his arm. “What time is it?”</p><p>“Almost 2.”</p><p>“You're late.”</p><p>He helps her stand up and she keeps her eyes closed as they walk to her bedroom. “They blocked off Adams for some reason. I had to take the back way.” </p><p>Donna stretches before turning to face him. “It’s over?” she asks softly and he nods. </p><p>“It’s over.”</p><p>“Good,” she says and she pulls him to her, kissing him hard. </p><p>Josh responds instantly, his hands searing her waist as she walks them back to her bed. “What about the talking?”</p><p>“Tomorrow,” she mumbles, already halfway done with his shirt buttons. </p><p>“It technically is tomorrow.” She grins against his mouth and slows down to wrap her arms around his neck. Josh leans forward to press another soft kiss to her lips and his hands slip under her shirt. “I had a plan with the talking, you know.”</p><p>“What plan?” she asks as she pushes his shirt off his shoulders. </p><p>“A very romantic plan,” he mutters, sliding her shirt up and off. “I was gonna tell you how much I missed you and how this time around is gonna be different.”</p><p>Donna kisses down his neck before nibbling on his earlobe and she smiles when he makes that soft breathy moaning sound she loves so much. “Different how?”</p><p>“Well, for one,” he starts, walking backwards until he sits on the bed and pulls her onto his lap. “You currently don’t work for me.” </p><p>Donna snaps back. “Oh my God,” she says. “I really quit tonight.”</p><p>“You did.”</p><p>“I’m not unemployed, by the way. I start my new job on Monday.”</p><p>“Yeah, we’re gonna talk about that, too. I have some qualms.”</p><p>She smirks and runs her fingers into his hair. “What’s number two?”</p><p>“That would be the Vow of Honesty.”</p><p>“The <em>Vow of Honesty?</em>"</p><p>He nods his head. “This goes for everything. We’re honest with each other no matter what and we’re done hiding. This isn’t some back alley, half relationship like last time. We’re together. Fully and officially,” he states and she smiles at his serious face. “If you wanna be, that is. I don’t mean to force you into—"</p><p>“Josh,” she interrupts. “We’re together.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>She smiles wider, almost giddy at this point. “Anything else?”</p><p>Josh leans back and brushes her hair behind her shoulders. The open curtains behind her make her hair look like moonbeams and he falls a little deeper. He needs her with him just like this. Forever.</p><p>“I’m in love with you, Donna,” he murmurs and her eyes widen. “And I promise to never, <em> ever </em> take you for granted again. This is a clean slate. For both of us.”</p><p>“You’re in love with me,” she states, staring at him like he has two heads. He nods. “Since when?”</p><p>His grin grows shy as he rubs her skin, trying to ground himself. “Since transition,” he whispers and her eyes grow wider. </p><p>“<em>Transition</em>?”</p><p>“We were at the OEOB one night until like 3 in the morning,” he starts and he smiles harder at the memory. “It was freezing and you were wearing that reindeer sweater with the light up red nose and you were so tired and had been working so hard and I can’t remember what I said, but you just <em> lost </em> it. You had the giggles for a solid ten minutes.”</p><p>“Bumpkin,” she murmurs, amusement lacing her tone. “You called Congressman Long a country bumpkin.”</p><p>“I’d never seen you laugh so hard,” he says and he chuckles. “All I remember thinking is I wanted to make that happen as much as possible.”</p><p>She whispers his name and his grip tightens on her waist. “You really knew way back then?”</p><p>“I think I probably felt it before then, but that night was when I knew for sure.” His fingers link behind her back as he cocks his head and smirks up at her. “Then you got drunk a couple months later and planted one on me.”</p><p>She groans and hides her face in his shoulder. “I thought we had a rule about never bringing that up again?”</p><p>“I don’t know why you get so embarrassed. It’s a nice story.”</p><p>“It’s a <em> slutty </em> story. It’s not romantic at all.”</p><p>“That’s why I like telling it,” he says, his dimples popping out when she pinches his arm. </p><p>They stay quiet for a moment, just looking at each other as their hands rub soothing circles on each other’s skin. Josh forgot how soft she is and how good she smells. He’d kept a physical distance from her at work because it was too hard, but he doesn’t stop himself now as he pulls her closer and buries his face in her neck. </p><p>He’s missed her so much and he feels a swell of guilt in his gut when he thinks about the past few months. Amy had been direct retaliation to Donna sleeping with Cliff. He was hurt and wanted to hurt her back and he wishes he could undo it — for everyone involved. It hadn’t been a long conversation when he broke things off earlier. He thinks Amy knew all along that there was someone else, but she hadn’t asked, just let him say his piece and leave with a cold “good luck” thrown at his back as he walked out the door. </p><p>“I really missed you,” she whispers and she leans back to pull his shirt over his head. “I’m glad you’re here.”</p><p>Josh attaches his lips to hers and shivers when she runs her fingernails down his chest. “Thanks for quitting,” he murmurs with a small smile on his face. “It got my ass in gear.”</p><p>“That wasn’t the reason for my doing it, but I’m definitely not mad about the outcome.”</p><p>He moves to slide her shirt up and off before he kisses across her collarbone. “What’s the job?”</p><p>“Josh.”</p><p>“What? I’m your boyfriend now. I have a right to know.”</p><p>She considers him for a moment. “My friend Casey from school has an internet startup. He wants me to be Issues Director.”</p><p>“For a dot com?”</p><p>“They’re not dying. Just the hype.”</p><p>“You left me for a gossip site?”</p><p>She rolls her eyes. “It’s political commentary, Josh.”</p><p>“It might not even be around a year from now. Why would you—“</p><p>“<em>Your </em> job might not be around a year from now,” she reminds him. “And he offered me a lot of money. Like. A <em> lot </em> of money.”</p><p>Josh hums this time and scoots on the bed so he can flip her onto her back. “So you’re a gold digger,” he murmurs as he kisses up her stomach and she swats him upside the head. </p><p>“I’m not a gold digger,” she argues. “And besides — you just thanked me for quitting about 2 minutes ago. You can’t critique my job choice now.”</p><p>“I could find you somethin’ better.”</p><p>She pushes his shoulders back. “What?”</p><p>“I could,” he says, trying to lean forward again, but she holds him steady. “My mind’s full of UN briefs right now, but after it’s over I know I could get you something decidedly better than some hack startup.”</p><p>Donna unlocks her elbows and he goes back to his task of kissing up her neck to nibble on her ear. She wraps her arms around his shoulders and tugs on his hair so he’ll look at her. </p><p>“I don’t want you to find me a job,” she says quietly after a moment of consideration. “I need to do this part on my own and you may be right about the startup — I had considered delaying for a week anyway to go visit my parents, but…”</p><p>“You’re going to Madison?”</p><p>“I haven’t bought a plane ticket or anything yet. It was just a thought.” She keeps combing through his hair and she sees recognition in his eyes. </p><p>“To <em> really </em> get away from me?”</p><p>Donna smiles at him a little sadly. “That wouldn’t be the purpose anymore if I still go. I’d come back.”</p><p>“You weren’t gonna come <em> back</em>?” he exclaims and sits up straight. “You mean, if I hadn’t come here tonight, you were gonna what? Just disappear?”</p><p>“Josh, you don’t understand. It <em> hurt </em> to see you at the office every day and anytime Amy would call, I thought I was going to actually throw up. I couldn’t watch you with someone else and I knew if I stayed in DC, I would never really get away from you, so… Yes. I was considering it.” </p><p>He pulls her up next to him and she knows the look on his face means they’re not getting naked anytime soon, so she snags a blanket and wraps it around her shoulders. She feels that this conversation should happen without him being distracted by her bra. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, reaching for her hand. “For… everything. All that stuff with Amy… I was doing it to be vindictive and to punish you, you were right about that.” He takes a deep breath and she squeezes his hand. “We really hurt each other and that scares the hell out of me, Donna. You know everything about me and you know all the right buttons to push and—“</p><p>“I wanted a reaction from you with Cliff,” she admits. “I knew it would set you off, but at that point I didn’t care. To me… it felt like you were done, Josh. It felt like <em> we </em> were done and I’m sorry that I hurt you.” She brings their clasped hands to her chest and pleads him with her eyes to believe her. “I never meant for it to get that bad between us.”</p><p>“I know,” he assures her, nodding his head. “I didn’t see it then, but I know. And I’m sorry for walking out that night.”</p><p>She shakes her head and sniffs. “I’m yours, Josh,” she whispers. “I wasn’t lying when I told you that.”</p><p>“Come here,” he murmurs shifting so he’s leaning against the headboard so he can pull her into his hold. She sighs deeply as she snuggles in and wraps her arm right around his middle. “Can we just call it a wash? Can we just agree that our collective methods weren’t great and we only go forward?”</p><p>“A clean slate.”</p><p>“Exactly,” he says and kisses her forehead. “But I don’t want it to be 6 months down the road and we throw this crap in each other’s faces because we’re still not over it, so we can keep talking or—“</p><p>“I can put it to bed,” she says, leaning back to look at him. “I forgive you.”</p><p>“I forgive you, too.” She smiles sleepily at him and reaches to grab his undershirt before throwing it on and sliding her bra out of the sleeve. “What are you doing?”</p><p>She yawns as she burrows down into her bed and tugs on his shoulder so he’ll follow suit. “It’s almost 3am. We can make up properly in the morning.”</p><p>“How’d you do that thing with your bra though?” he asks, snuggling up to her back and wrapping his arm around her belly, and she chuckles. “It looks like a nifty little trick I should know.”</p><p>“I’ll show you tomorrow.”</p><p>They’re silent for a beat and then: “Donna?”</p><p>“Hm.”</p><p>“We’re gonna be okay, right?”</p><p>She scoots back and he slides his knee between hers to get closer. “We’re gonna be amazing,” she murmurs and he kisses her shoulder, smiling to himself against her skin as he closes his eyes. </p><p>“I think so, too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I rewatched Night Five a few weeks ago and it sparked this part 2. I probably won’t post a chapter 3, but that’s what I said about chapter 2, so you never know!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I always wished we got to see more actual angsty scenes between these two because they're so good at it. I, like Sorkin, enjoy (most of) Josh's pain, however, I would not have brought in Amy to rub salt in the wounds of my viewers a couple episodes later lol.</p>
<p>This also stemmed from Josh's "did you just call me 'baby' back there?" from season 1 because he loved it and I will not be convinced otherwise.</p>
<p>Title is from Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift ;)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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